I’ve spent so much time trying to convince myself that I should be happy by myself, that I shouldn’t need to depend on others to make me happy, that I don’t need someone to complete me. I’ve spent hours trying to mentally train myself so feel like I’m okay on my own. But when it comes down to it, I’m just not. And that’s okay too. I think that because I am a feminist, I’ve gotten caught up in this “strong, independent woman who don’t need a man” thing and it’s made me think that there’s something inherently wrong with wanting to be in a relationship when you’re single. And there’s not. Some people are just happier when they have a significant other in their life.
It’s not like I don’t have friends and family in my life that love me. And the point of writing this isn’t to throw myself a pity party because I’m single. I guess I figured just by writing this and getting it out of my own head it would make it more okay. One of my character flaws is that I don’t talk to people about how I’m feeling, I just continue to stew on things until it’s literally putting so much pressure on my brain that it comes out as tears.
I also think as humans we have a tendency to want whatever we don’t have. When I was in a relationship all I wanted was to be single and go out with my friends and kiss a bunch of boys. But I also knew that wouldn’t keep me happy for long. I could go out all I wanted but boys don’t talk to me in bars, they never have. What I really want is a nice, comfy relationship. One where you got past the bullshit stage of pretending like you’re not interested in the other person in order to make yourself seem cool and aloof and therefore more desirable.
I want to get to that part of the relationship where you can sit on the couch with no pants and snack all day and be gross. I don’t even care about the sex. I just miss the physical touch that comes along with being in a relationship. I would give my right arm right now to have someone to hug me. Or even just hold my hand. You can’t get that from family or friends.
Last night I had a dream that I had a boyfriend. It was just a faceless person, no distinguishing characteristics but what I do remember was that he kept hugging me and it made me feel so good in the dream. And then I woke up immeasurably sad. I've often described depression as this hole that I'm in and the longer I'm in it, the deeper it gets, until getting out seems impossible. You get buried alive by your sadness. Today I found myself back in that hole, all because of a dream. And I got to thinking that I may not ever have that again, I might not ever find someone to spend the rest of my life with. People today don't seem to want to settle down at all. And maybe it's just the depressed version of my brain telling me that I'm going to be alone forever, but it might be true. So I'm trying to be okay with that too.
There's not really an uplifting insight to this post. I'm just using this blog as a pressure release for my brain. If writing can't do that, what is it good for?
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